First Time Buying Condoms.

Buying condoms - what a confusing task that is nowadays. What with all the different types - studded and ribbed, flavoured, naked, vibrating, glow in the dark...Seriously, the list is endless! Well I'm sure it ends somewhere but in all honesty I just want something that will prevent copulation.

So here I was yesterday, 19 years of age, buying condoms for the first time, standing in the Isle looking at the many different types of condoms. My intent was to buy glow in the dark ones. 'Cause c'mon, any kid from the 90's would just love anything that glows in the dark. If anything, they would provide amusement and detract attention from my failed attempts at being sexy.

But, alas...glow in the dark was the one type of condom Woolworths did not have. So I grabbed a 12 pack of Ansell Lifestyles Assorted, assuming that it would have a variety of condoms - "Don't know what type of condom your lover likes? Great! Take me home and you'll be sure to satisfy them, with my wide and diverse range of happiness." I did get some glow in the dark lube though, that is the bottle glows not the actual lube (so don't shove a whole heap in your mouth trying to make your teeth glow, it doesn't work...I know from experience.)

I walk up the counter. I don't know if everywhere has it now, but I went to this specific Woolworths for it's Selfserve counter. I know how embarrassed I get when I'm just buying tampons or whatever. So I walk up to the counter and place my items down - 12 Pack Ansell Lifestyles Assorted, Four Seasons Glow In The Dark Lube and a bottle of coke. The SelfServe counter assistant then proceeded to stand behind me and watch. I wanted privacy goddammit!!! I can't say I'm surprised though. I mean I have the worst luck in the world. I knew someone would end up noticing, although I was more worried that a person from work would have been there and would have been like "Hi Roads! What choo up to? What ya buying?...Oh...but you don't have a boyfriend...?"

So I finally make it home, thinking I'm a stud and all cool and totally badass. Which I am, of course. I open the packet of condoms and what are they? Assorted flavours!!! Oh yay (sarcasm). I've got Sonic Strawberry, Mint Blitz, Berry Blast and Banana Bender. Yeah that's totally not going to give off the wrong message.