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Mother Issues

I always feel so suppressed by my mother, creatively as well as emotionally and physically. She says she only acts the way she does because she is worried about my safety. She wants to keep me alive and well. But I feel like there's no point in living if, well, you can't live.

If it was up to my mom this is what life would somewhat be like:

1. Driving will only be permitted to and from work, unless I finish work at a time later than 5:30pm. Then I will be accompanied by an adult.

2. Driving anywhere other than work is strictly not allowed, due to a lack of confidence.

3. Confidence building adventures or escapades are forbidden.

4. Public transport will not be used unless with a responsible person.

5. Explicit details about where I am going, who I am going with, what I am doing, how long I will be are to be given before departure.

6. Explicit details about where I was, who I was with, what I did and how long I spent doing it are to be given upon arrival home.

7. Doing anything by myself is banned. I must be accompanied by someone at all times, whether I feel I need to be alone or not.

8. Travelling to and from uni outside of uni times is not allowed, even if it is imperative that the facilities are used.

9. Travelling anywhere outside of a half hour ratio of my house is stupid and should not be bothered with. Please note, both my jobs are within 20 minutes or 15 minutes from where I live and uni is a 10 minute drive, with mom strongly pushing for me to ONLY apply at jobs/the only university in this area.

10. Creativity and randomness, e.g climbing trees, painting faces, taking photos, designing and laughter are best left to interesting people such as your cousins.

11. New friends cannot be made unless you already have friends.

12. If a package or shopping bag is brought into the house all contents must be shown and details of price and place where bought/stolen needs to be shared.

13. Sharing all emotional problems is optional. But if internalizing any problems is chosen rather than sharing there will be an argument.

14. All financial situations shall be monitored by mother and mother only.

Look, I know I am probably exaggerating and she really is a lovely person. But I just feel like I'm not being allowed to grow as a twenty year old should. I feel as though if my mother died I would still be the 16 year old I was years ago. And while I don't want to grow up I do want the confidence to be who I am and the confidence to know that I can stand on my own two feet.

I don't think she understands what she is doing to me. I know if I did all the things I wanted to that I COULD get beaten up, I could be raped (LOL!) or murdered. You know, all these things COULD happen to me. But I'd like to go out and live my life, and not sit here alone in my bedroom week after week thinking "Oh it's so good I'm not out feeling special and happy because I MIGHT get stabbed on the way home."

I'm sick of being afraid. I want my confidence back and I don't feel as though I can get it when she's controlling me in this way. From an outsiders perspective I can see how easy it would be to just break away, to leave. But I'd feel so guilty. I don't want to hurt her anymore. I've put her through so much and I've failed to protect her from the pain caused by others.

I can see she's struggling in dealing with me growing up, but I don't know how to make her see that this is normal, that she has to let me go and eventually the feelings she's feeling will lessen. How do I do this without making her feel unloved and unneeded? It's so hard to tell her anything when she doesn't listen. She doesn't want to hear what I have to say. I'm not wrong in saying she's the one who doesn't listen when all our arguments go like this:

Mom: ::15 minute dialogue::

Me: Bu-

Mom: Shut up! You're not listening.

I am listening. I have heard everything you say. I understand what you are saying. But you don't even want to acknowledge the points I make. You cut me off before I start and then yell at me when I try to raise my voice over yours just so I can be heard. You ask me a question then yell at me for the answer I give because I'm still not listening. I sit there quietly and wait for you to finish, then you yell at me because I haven't responded so I'm obviously not listening.

Is it really any wonder that I don't share everything with her? I'm trying to maintain some level of control over my own life. I mean she controls everything, where I go, who I'm friends with, my money, the hours I work, where I study. My emotional problems is one thing she can't get to. I hate having to keep it from her, but I don't need her running that too.

She's got me stressing out at the moment because in a couple weeks I am going on a two month holiday to America and she wants to clean my room while I'm gone. Why does she need to do this? I have cleaned my room recently, throwing away everything I don't want and making everything as neat as possible. I mean seriously, I'm twenty years old, I have things in here I don't want her to see, same as any other twenty-something year old would. Why is it so hard to have privacy with her around?

Does anyone else have a mother like this? How do you deal with it?

Family Matters

Does anyone else have one family member that you believe hates you and you can never work out what you've done to piss them off so badly? I have many family members like this but there's just one that I really think about.

As far as I'm aware the moment she started to hate me, well this was when I noticed a change in her behaviour was when I was little, about five I think, I stayed over her house and was sleeping in the same bed as her. She turned to me and said "You should face the other way otherwise I'm going to flick you in the eye with my hair." I told her "I don't mind, I'm scared to face the wall." Then she started flicking her hair really hard and really unnecessarily until I rolled over. It was hitting me in the eyes and I started to cry.

Since then she has been really weird toward me. When I was ten she told the boy down the road that I was a model so then I was too afraid to come out of the house because then he would see I was actually ugly...when I wouldn't come out of the house she told her mom I was being rude and was forced outside.

When I was fifteen at her sisters twenty-first birthday party she sat in the corner with her friend giving me filthy looks, so I suppose they were talking about me. It might have had something to do with my green hair but still...you don't have to make your cousin feel uncomfortable all night, right?

Then a couple months ago, along with another cousin, she said that I was ruining her holiday. So then I had to change my holiday plans, losing money in the process. Just for the record I wasn't planning on ruining their holiday, mom just wanted me to hang out with family for the first month so I'd have some idea of what I was doing in the second month alone. I also told them that since I wasn't twenty one yet like them they can go clubbing without me and I wouldn't mind since I had other things I could do by myself.

This week at my nan's birthday party she didn't even acknowledge that I was there. Seriously, what have I done? I can't work it out. If I wasn't so afraid of her I'd ask her what's up, but she'd probably pretend I wasn't there anyway, lol.

Second conversation about toilets this year

So seems I can't go anywhere without raising suspicion. I've been working in the city at the North Sydney store. I go to the bathroom a lot due to lack of work available and because I don't like blowing my nose in front of people and I just got over being sick. The following is a conversation that happened after I came out of the bathroom today:

Lady: Is there a reason why you're always up here?!

Me: Um...the bathroom.

Lady: Why?

Me: I've been drinking a lot of water and I need to go a lot.

Lady: Oh do you work here, do you?

Me: Yeah...at [graphic design place].

Lady: On the GROUND floor?

Me: Yes...

Lady: Don't you have your OWN toilet??

Me: No...

Lady: Oh well I was just checking, just incase you were trying to case the place.

Me: Um...okay, thanks.

1. Lady, don't you have a job? Why are you at that damn reception desk so often that you notice how often I come out of the elevator? Quit chatting to the receptionist and do your effing job, you nosy douche!

2. Why? WHY?! Why else does one go to the bathroom? Either I need to pee or I need to pretend I need to pee so I can do something productive with my life, geez. Is it really my fault there is little or no work for me to do?

3. Nope I don't work here. I'm a bumb. I dress up in my best clothing, do my hair and my makeup and travel all the way in here from Penrith just to use your "lovely" bathroom. Which by the way, isn't half as classy as I thought it would be.

4. Yes. The groundfloor. Do you know any other places that there is a [graphic design] store in this building?

5. If [graphic design place] had a toilet do you think I would walk out of my store, enter the main doors of the building, through the corridor, up two storeys in the elevator, through the lawyers reception area, up the hall way and around the corner just to use the less than impressive toilet? No. I think I would just use the toilet in my store, dickhead.

6. One of these people are going to have to realise that I'm not a bad person. I am NOT up to no good. And they better believe it before I go postal, otherwise they'll make their worst fears come true. I'm sick of being treated like dirt. I am 20 years old, I am nearly finished my degree, I have two jobs, I am a part time carer for my older brother, I pay my taxes...what more do I have to do to get some respect around here?

Saturday Night Life Stories

So it's probably no secret, but I have never had a boyfriend. What usually happens is that I like someone, they start to like me and then I just stop. Or I like someone who I have no chance of ever being with.

It's weird and annoying, you know? But it keeps on happening. Someone told me that it's because I only want what I can't have. But I don't think that's it. It stops so suddenly sometimes and other times I gradually start to dislike the person.

But I think I've finally found out what my problem is. The other night when I was talking to my mom she said "I bet you turn these guys down because you think they'll stop you from travelling like you want to."

And I guess that's right. I don't want anything or anyone to stop me from moving countries or from travelling. Although when I start talking to a guy I don't think of it directly. It's not like I think "oh shit I'm not talking to this guy ever again, he might stop me from leaving." I think it's more of a subconscious thing. As long as I don't have to commit to anything or anyone I have nothing keeping me here. If I'm unhappy I'll always want to leave.

If this is how my mind works it really does explain a lot of things.

...and the truth is out.

"The only reason why I will ever come back to Penrith, even just for a visit is Shaun. Because the rest of you aren't really important."

Thanks, brother. I'll remember this next time you move back in and ask for a lift to the pub or for a lift home at 3 in the morning or want to borrow money.

It's cool to find out what your family members REALLY think of you. But sad when what you think they think actually turns out to be true.

My brother moved up the coast today. When did we find out he was moving? Oh just yesterday at 9pm when his girlfriend came over and he started packing clothes into her car. He then told us he was never coming back, except of course for visiting my other brother.

Another fail

I wanted to buy a new DSLR today. So I went to Harvey Norman. I was so nervous driving there because you have to drive through a tunnel to get there and I haven't driven through a tunnel since I was 17 and was on my Learners.

I get there. Choose the camera I want (Nikon D300) and choose the lens. The salesmen tells me that it comes with a carry bag, battery, memory card and warrantee. All up the cost was $3500 - something I can afford, but due to other commitments I asked if I could have the camera and make payments every week on it. I thought this would be good to give myself a credit rating. Since I am now 20 I'll probably be needing one some time in the near future.

So the salesmen puts me on the phone to the guy who does the credit checks and who makes sure I can afford the weekly payments. The man on the phone tells me that the payments will be approximately $50 a week. He had to check how much I earn, which is approximately $200 a week.

He then told me that the contract can go no further because I don't earn enough per week to be able to afford it. What is up with that?! I earn $200 a week...what do I spend it on? Well apart from the $20 I spend on petrol every 3 weeks I spend it on nothing.

It's a little ironic that I have enough money at the moment to buy the camera outright twice and still have money left over but I don't earn enough to spend $50 a week.

It's a little stupid if you ask me. You know there's something wrong with the world when someone who is unemployed, earning $0 a week, and is $20 000+ in debt can successfully apply for a credit card but someone who has been employed by the same company for four years, earns $200+ a week and the only debt they have is uni HECS can't buy a camera at $50 a week.

I'm sorry but I find this completely idiotic. If i didn't need the money in my account to go overseas for a couple months this year/next year I would have just bought the camera. I'd just prefer a little bit of money to leave my account each week than one huge lump.