Mother Issues

I always feel so suppressed by my mother, creatively as well as emotionally and physically. She says she only acts the way she does because she is worried about my safety. She wants to keep me alive and well. But I feel like there's no point in living if, well, you can't live.

If it was up to my mom this is what life would somewhat be like:

1. Driving will only be permitted to and from work, unless I finish work at a time later than 5:30pm. Then I will be accompanied by an adult.

2. Driving anywhere other than work is strictly not allowed, due to a lack of confidence.

3. Confidence building adventures or escapades are forbidden.

4. Public transport will not be used unless with a responsible person.

5. Explicit details about where I am going, who I am going with, what I am doing, how long I will be are to be given before departure.

6. Explicit details about where I was, who I was with, what I did and how long I spent doing it are to be given upon arrival home.

7. Doing anything by myself is banned. I must be accompanied by someone at all times, whether I feel I need to be alone or not.

8. Travelling to and from uni outside of uni times is not allowed, even if it is imperative that the facilities are used.

9. Travelling anywhere outside of a half hour ratio of my house is stupid and should not be bothered with. Please note, both my jobs are within 20 minutes or 15 minutes from where I live and uni is a 10 minute drive, with mom strongly pushing for me to ONLY apply at jobs/the only university in this area.

10. Creativity and randomness, e.g climbing trees, painting faces, taking photos, designing and laughter are best left to interesting people such as your cousins.

11. New friends cannot be made unless you already have friends.

12. If a package or shopping bag is brought into the house all contents must be shown and details of price and place where bought/stolen needs to be shared.

13. Sharing all emotional problems is optional. But if internalizing any problems is chosen rather than sharing there will be an argument.

14. All financial situations shall be monitored by mother and mother only.

Look, I know I am probably exaggerating and she really is a lovely person. But I just feel like I'm not being allowed to grow as a twenty year old should. I feel as though if my mother died I would still be the 16 year old I was years ago. And while I don't want to grow up I do want the confidence to be who I am and the confidence to know that I can stand on my own two feet.

I don't think she understands what she is doing to me. I know if I did all the things I wanted to that I COULD get beaten up, I could be raped (LOL!) or murdered. You know, all these things COULD happen to me. But I'd like to go out and live my life, and not sit here alone in my bedroom week after week thinking "Oh it's so good I'm not out feeling special and happy because I MIGHT get stabbed on the way home."

I'm sick of being afraid. I want my confidence back and I don't feel as though I can get it when she's controlling me in this way. From an outsiders perspective I can see how easy it would be to just break away, to leave. But I'd feel so guilty. I don't want to hurt her anymore. I've put her through so much and I've failed to protect her from the pain caused by others.

I can see she's struggling in dealing with me growing up, but I don't know how to make her see that this is normal, that she has to let me go and eventually the feelings she's feeling will lessen. How do I do this without making her feel unloved and unneeded? It's so hard to tell her anything when she doesn't listen. She doesn't want to hear what I have to say. I'm not wrong in saying she's the one who doesn't listen when all our arguments go like this:

Mom: ::15 minute dialogue::

Me: Bu-

Mom: Shut up! You're not listening.

I am listening. I have heard everything you say. I understand what you are saying. But you don't even want to acknowledge the points I make. You cut me off before I start and then yell at me when I try to raise my voice over yours just so I can be heard. You ask me a question then yell at me for the answer I give because I'm still not listening. I sit there quietly and wait for you to finish, then you yell at me because I haven't responded so I'm obviously not listening.

Is it really any wonder that I don't share everything with her? I'm trying to maintain some level of control over my own life. I mean she controls everything, where I go, who I'm friends with, my money, the hours I work, where I study. My emotional problems is one thing she can't get to. I hate having to keep it from her, but I don't need her running that too.

She's got me stressing out at the moment because in a couple weeks I am going on a two month holiday to America and she wants to clean my room while I'm gone. Why does she need to do this? I have cleaned my room recently, throwing away everything I don't want and making everything as neat as possible. I mean seriously, I'm twenty years old, I have things in here I don't want her to see, same as any other twenty-something year old would. Why is it so hard to have privacy with her around?

Does anyone else have a mother like this? How do you deal with it?

Saturday Night Life Stories

So it's probably no secret, but I have never had a boyfriend. What usually happens is that I like someone, they start to like me and then I just stop. Or I like someone who I have no chance of ever being with.

It's weird and annoying, you know? But it keeps on happening. Someone told me that it's because I only want what I can't have. But I don't think that's it. It stops so suddenly sometimes and other times I gradually start to dislike the person.

But I think I've finally found out what my problem is. The other night when I was talking to my mom she said "I bet you turn these guys down because you think they'll stop you from travelling like you want to."

And I guess that's right. I don't want anything or anyone to stop me from moving countries or from travelling. Although when I start talking to a guy I don't think of it directly. It's not like I think "oh shit I'm not talking to this guy ever again, he might stop me from leaving." I think it's more of a subconscious thing. As long as I don't have to commit to anything or anyone I have nothing keeping me here. If I'm unhappy I'll always want to leave.

If this is how my mind works it really does explain a lot of things.

...and the truth is out.

"The only reason why I will ever come back to Penrith, even just for a visit is Shaun. Because the rest of you aren't really important."

Thanks, brother. I'll remember this next time you move back in and ask for a lift to the pub or for a lift home at 3 in the morning or want to borrow money.

It's cool to find out what your family members REALLY think of you. But sad when what you think they think actually turns out to be true.

My brother moved up the coast today. When did we find out he was moving? Oh just yesterday at 9pm when his girlfriend came over and he started packing clothes into her car. He then told us he was never coming back, except of course for visiting my other brother.

You tried, you failed. The lesson is never try. Thanks Homer Simpson

Before I used to complain about everything without doing anything about it. Now I complain about everything while doing everything I possibly can to change my situation and just end up where I was before, only now with a lot more stress and a little less self-esteem.

So what is the point in even trying anymore? I've honestly had enough of everything. I can't take this country. I can't take this uni or this course. I can't take this job. I can't take the people I have to deal with. I can't take anything anymore and I can't change a thing.

This feels like when I was younger when I was afraid to talk. When a teacher or someone (anyone) spoke to me I'd be too afraid to say "Sorry I can't talk". I'd be too afraid to get up and leave. I'd be too afraid to even cry. What was I meant to do in that situation? What am I meant to do now?

I remember being in high school when I'd be assigned a speech assignment. The teacher would say "If you have any problems please come and talk to me." My problem was that I couldn't talk. What an ironic situation!

I hate my life and I hate myself for hating it. Why can't I just be happy with what I have just like everyone else? I hate myself for wanting to be like everyone else. Honestly I just hate everything about everything.

I just want something to change. I need something to change. I need to be noticed. But that's even hard to do, what with everyone only being interested in themselves and hating me for reasons I cannot fathom. Even trying to get people to click on a simple link to my Flickr is a huge ask.

I thought about making a vlog, but honestly who'd be interested in what I have to say? Plus I know someone who has one and well she's lame and boring. I don't think I'd be able to survive negative comments. Anyway here's to another year filled with disappointments and unfulfilled dreams.