Mother Issues

I always feel so suppressed by my mother, creatively as well as emotionally and physically. She says she only acts the way she does because she is worried about my safety. She wants to keep me alive and well. But I feel like there's no point in living if, well, you can't live.

If it was up to my mom this is what life would somewhat be like:

1. Driving will only be permitted to and from work, unless I finish work at a time later than 5:30pm. Then I will be accompanied by an adult.

2. Driving anywhere other than work is strictly not allowed, due to a lack of confidence.

3. Confidence building adventures or escapades are forbidden.

4. Public transport will not be used unless with a responsible person.

5. Explicit details about where I am going, who I am going with, what I am doing, how long I will be are to be given before departure.

6. Explicit details about where I was, who I was with, what I did and how long I spent doing it are to be given upon arrival home.

7. Doing anything by myself is banned. I must be accompanied by someone at all times, whether I feel I need to be alone or not.

8. Travelling to and from uni outside of uni times is not allowed, even if it is imperative that the facilities are used.

9. Travelling anywhere outside of a half hour ratio of my house is stupid and should not be bothered with. Please note, both my jobs are within 20 minutes or 15 minutes from where I live and uni is a 10 minute drive, with mom strongly pushing for me to ONLY apply at jobs/the only university in this area.

10. Creativity and randomness, e.g climbing trees, painting faces, taking photos, designing and laughter are best left to interesting people such as your cousins.

11. New friends cannot be made unless you already have friends.

12. If a package or shopping bag is brought into the house all contents must be shown and details of price and place where bought/stolen needs to be shared.

13. Sharing all emotional problems is optional. But if internalizing any problems is chosen rather than sharing there will be an argument.

14. All financial situations shall be monitored by mother and mother only.

Look, I know I am probably exaggerating and she really is a lovely person. But I just feel like I'm not being allowed to grow as a twenty year old should. I feel as though if my mother died I would still be the 16 year old I was years ago. And while I don't want to grow up I do want the confidence to be who I am and the confidence to know that I can stand on my own two feet.

I don't think she understands what she is doing to me. I know if I did all the things I wanted to that I COULD get beaten up, I could be raped (LOL!) or murdered. You know, all these things COULD happen to me. But I'd like to go out and live my life, and not sit here alone in my bedroom week after week thinking "Oh it's so good I'm not out feeling special and happy because I MIGHT get stabbed on the way home."

I'm sick of being afraid. I want my confidence back and I don't feel as though I can get it when she's controlling me in this way. From an outsiders perspective I can see how easy it would be to just break away, to leave. But I'd feel so guilty. I don't want to hurt her anymore. I've put her through so much and I've failed to protect her from the pain caused by others.

I can see she's struggling in dealing with me growing up, but I don't know how to make her see that this is normal, that she has to let me go and eventually the feelings she's feeling will lessen. How do I do this without making her feel unloved and unneeded? It's so hard to tell her anything when she doesn't listen. She doesn't want to hear what I have to say. I'm not wrong in saying she's the one who doesn't listen when all our arguments go like this:

Mom: ::15 minute dialogue::

Me: Bu-

Mom: Shut up! You're not listening.

I am listening. I have heard everything you say. I understand what you are saying. But you don't even want to acknowledge the points I make. You cut me off before I start and then yell at me when I try to raise my voice over yours just so I can be heard. You ask me a question then yell at me for the answer I give because I'm still not listening. I sit there quietly and wait for you to finish, then you yell at me because I haven't responded so I'm obviously not listening.

Is it really any wonder that I don't share everything with her? I'm trying to maintain some level of control over my own life. I mean she controls everything, where I go, who I'm friends with, my money, the hours I work, where I study. My emotional problems is one thing she can't get to. I hate having to keep it from her, but I don't need her running that too.

She's got me stressing out at the moment because in a couple weeks I am going on a two month holiday to America and she wants to clean my room while I'm gone. Why does she need to do this? I have cleaned my room recently, throwing away everything I don't want and making everything as neat as possible. I mean seriously, I'm twenty years old, I have things in here I don't want her to see, same as any other twenty-something year old would. Why is it so hard to have privacy with her around?

Does anyone else have a mother like this? How do you deal with it?

Family Matters

Does anyone else have one family member that you believe hates you and you can never work out what you've done to piss them off so badly? I have many family members like this but there's just one that I really think about.

As far as I'm aware the moment she started to hate me, well this was when I noticed a change in her behaviour was when I was little, about five I think, I stayed over her house and was sleeping in the same bed as her. She turned to me and said "You should face the other way otherwise I'm going to flick you in the eye with my hair." I told her "I don't mind, I'm scared to face the wall." Then she started flicking her hair really hard and really unnecessarily until I rolled over. It was hitting me in the eyes and I started to cry.

Since then she has been really weird toward me. When I was ten she told the boy down the road that I was a model so then I was too afraid to come out of the house because then he would see I was actually ugly...when I wouldn't come out of the house she told her mom I was being rude and was forced outside.

When I was fifteen at her sisters twenty-first birthday party she sat in the corner with her friend giving me filthy looks, so I suppose they were talking about me. It might have had something to do with my green hair but still...you don't have to make your cousin feel uncomfortable all night, right?

Then a couple months ago, along with another cousin, she said that I was ruining her holiday. So then I had to change my holiday plans, losing money in the process. Just for the record I wasn't planning on ruining their holiday, mom just wanted me to hang out with family for the first month so I'd have some idea of what I was doing in the second month alone. I also told them that since I wasn't twenty one yet like them they can go clubbing without me and I wouldn't mind since I had other things I could do by myself.

This week at my nan's birthday party she didn't even acknowledge that I was there. Seriously, what have I done? I can't work it out. If I wasn't so afraid of her I'd ask her what's up, but she'd probably pretend I wasn't there anyway, lol.

Second conversation about toilets this year

So seems I can't go anywhere without raising suspicion. I've been working in the city at the North Sydney store. I go to the bathroom a lot due to lack of work available and because I don't like blowing my nose in front of people and I just got over being sick. The following is a conversation that happened after I came out of the bathroom today:

Lady: Is there a reason why you're always up here?!

Me: Um...the bathroom.

Lady: Why?

Me: I've been drinking a lot of water and I need to go a lot.

Lady: Oh do you work here, do you?

Me: Yeah...at [graphic design place].

Lady: On the GROUND floor?

Me: Yes...

Lady: Don't you have your OWN toilet??

Me: No...

Lady: Oh well I was just checking, just incase you were trying to case the place.

Me: Um...okay, thanks.

1. Lady, don't you have a job? Why are you at that damn reception desk so often that you notice how often I come out of the elevator? Quit chatting to the receptionist and do your effing job, you nosy douche!

2. Why? WHY?! Why else does one go to the bathroom? Either I need to pee or I need to pretend I need to pee so I can do something productive with my life, geez. Is it really my fault there is little or no work for me to do?

3. Nope I don't work here. I'm a bumb. I dress up in my best clothing, do my hair and my makeup and travel all the way in here from Penrith just to use your "lovely" bathroom. Which by the way, isn't half as classy as I thought it would be.

4. Yes. The groundfloor. Do you know any other places that there is a [graphic design] store in this building?

5. If [graphic design place] had a toilet do you think I would walk out of my store, enter the main doors of the building, through the corridor, up two storeys in the elevator, through the lawyers reception area, up the hall way and around the corner just to use the less than impressive toilet? No. I think I would just use the toilet in my store, dickhead.

6. One of these people are going to have to realise that I'm not a bad person. I am NOT up to no good. And they better believe it before I go postal, otherwise they'll make their worst fears come true. I'm sick of being treated like dirt. I am 20 years old, I am nearly finished my degree, I have two jobs, I am a part time carer for my older brother, I pay my taxes...what more do I have to do to get some respect around here?

Saturday Night Life Stories

So it's probably no secret, but I have never had a boyfriend. What usually happens is that I like someone, they start to like me and then I just stop. Or I like someone who I have no chance of ever being with.

It's weird and annoying, you know? But it keeps on happening. Someone told me that it's because I only want what I can't have. But I don't think that's it. It stops so suddenly sometimes and other times I gradually start to dislike the person.

But I think I've finally found out what my problem is. The other night when I was talking to my mom she said "I bet you turn these guys down because you think they'll stop you from travelling like you want to."

And I guess that's right. I don't want anything or anyone to stop me from moving countries or from travelling. Although when I start talking to a guy I don't think of it directly. It's not like I think "oh shit I'm not talking to this guy ever again, he might stop me from leaving." I think it's more of a subconscious thing. As long as I don't have to commit to anything or anyone I have nothing keeping me here. If I'm unhappy I'll always want to leave.

If this is how my mind works it really does explain a lot of things.

...and the truth is out.

"The only reason why I will ever come back to Penrith, even just for a visit is Shaun. Because the rest of you aren't really important."

Thanks, brother. I'll remember this next time you move back in and ask for a lift to the pub or for a lift home at 3 in the morning or want to borrow money.

It's cool to find out what your family members REALLY think of you. But sad when what you think they think actually turns out to be true.

My brother moved up the coast today. When did we find out he was moving? Oh just yesterday at 9pm when his girlfriend came over and he started packing clothes into her car. He then told us he was never coming back, except of course for visiting my other brother.

Another fail

I wanted to buy a new DSLR today. So I went to Harvey Norman. I was so nervous driving there because you have to drive through a tunnel to get there and I haven't driven through a tunnel since I was 17 and was on my Learners.

I get there. Choose the camera I want (Nikon D300) and choose the lens. The salesmen tells me that it comes with a carry bag, battery, memory card and warrantee. All up the cost was $3500 - something I can afford, but due to other commitments I asked if I could have the camera and make payments every week on it. I thought this would be good to give myself a credit rating. Since I am now 20 I'll probably be needing one some time in the near future.

So the salesmen puts me on the phone to the guy who does the credit checks and who makes sure I can afford the weekly payments. The man on the phone tells me that the payments will be approximately $50 a week. He had to check how much I earn, which is approximately $200 a week.

He then told me that the contract can go no further because I don't earn enough per week to be able to afford it. What is up with that?! I earn $200 a week...what do I spend it on? Well apart from the $20 I spend on petrol every 3 weeks I spend it on nothing.

It's a little ironic that I have enough money at the moment to buy the camera outright twice and still have money left over but I don't earn enough to spend $50 a week.

It's a little stupid if you ask me. You know there's something wrong with the world when someone who is unemployed, earning $0 a week, and is $20 000+ in debt can successfully apply for a credit card but someone who has been employed by the same company for four years, earns $200+ a week and the only debt they have is uni HECS can't buy a camera at $50 a week.

I'm sorry but I find this completely idiotic. If i didn't need the money in my account to go overseas for a couple months this year/next year I would have just bought the camera. I'd just prefer a little bit of money to leave my account each week than one huge lump.

Work filler

Honestly I hate stupid people. Not only do they not listen to me when I answer their questions but the majority of them like to imply that I, myself, am stupid. They drive me insane.

On Thursday night at work I was placed in laybys and I had to deal with many customers that were very annoying and very stupid. But here's one that really annoyed me (well I was extremely busy, and because of their stupidity I got hardly any work done. Thanks guys).

*phone rings*

Me: Good evening, [store], how can I help you?

Customer: I'd like to be put through to layby.

Me: Yes that's me, how can I help you?

Customer: I had a layby and I want to know if it's still there?

Me: Sure, can I grab the layby number and your surname please?

Customer: [reads layby number and her name out]

Me: Okay, I'm just going to put you on hold so I can check the computer. I won't be a moment.

I put the customer on hold and bring up her account. As it happens the layby has been cancelled and she has already picked up the money.

Me: Hi, I'm sorry but your layby has already been cancelled and you've already picked up the money.

Customer: But is it still there?

Me: No sorry you've already cancelled it.

Customer: But is it still there?

Me: No.

Customer: Can you check out the back?

Me: Sorry it's not there.

Customer: Can you just check then please?

Me: Umm...

Customer: When does it get put back?

Me: As soon as you cancel it.

Customer: Are you sure it's not there?

Me: Yes, the stock may be on the shop floor but I can't tell you for sure if it is or not.

Customer: Can you just check?

Me: I have no way of knowing what you bought.

Customer: Can you check out the back then?

Me: No, sorry.

Customer: Okay, thanks for your help. Bye.

If that wasn't bad enough the lady came in a short time later and told me her surname, which I recognised, and said that her layby was on hold and wanted me to check out the back for it. I asked her if she had the receipt (knowing that she wouldn't) and she said no that she had already cancelled the layby. I then told her again that laybys are put back as soon as they were cancelled and that I wouldn't check out the back.

You tried, you failed. The lesson is never try. Thanks Homer Simpson

Before I used to complain about everything without doing anything about it. Now I complain about everything while doing everything I possibly can to change my situation and just end up where I was before, only now with a lot more stress and a little less self-esteem.

So what is the point in even trying anymore? I've honestly had enough of everything. I can't take this country. I can't take this uni or this course. I can't take this job. I can't take the people I have to deal with. I can't take anything anymore and I can't change a thing.

This feels like when I was younger when I was afraid to talk. When a teacher or someone (anyone) spoke to me I'd be too afraid to say "Sorry I can't talk". I'd be too afraid to get up and leave. I'd be too afraid to even cry. What was I meant to do in that situation? What am I meant to do now?

I remember being in high school when I'd be assigned a speech assignment. The teacher would say "If you have any problems please come and talk to me." My problem was that I couldn't talk. What an ironic situation!

I hate my life and I hate myself for hating it. Why can't I just be happy with what I have just like everyone else? I hate myself for wanting to be like everyone else. Honestly I just hate everything about everything.

I just want something to change. I need something to change. I need to be noticed. But that's even hard to do, what with everyone only being interested in themselves and hating me for reasons I cannot fathom. Even trying to get people to click on a simple link to my Flickr is a huge ask.

I thought about making a vlog, but honestly who'd be interested in what I have to say? Plus I know someone who has one and well she's lame and boring. I don't think I'd be able to survive negative comments. Anyway here's to another year filled with disappointments and unfulfilled dreams.

Let's go to candy mountain.

I bought $30.80 worth of candy today. You're probably thinking "Whoa you went a little bit overboard there, don't you think?" In which case I would have to alert you to a time many years ago.

It was the year of 2007. I was 17, and it was the first time I entered the candy shop. The only reason I woke up and got off my friends couch that day was to convince her to drive the 40 odd minutes to the shop and to buy candy.

That day was a good day for all. "All" meaning just me. I bought $56.70 worth of candy. So I think I can say that this time, I held back. Yes it's horrible, because some may say I've matured. They're wrong though. I've got tonnes of candy and I'm never going to sleep.