Saturday Night Life Stories

So it's probably no secret, but I have never had a boyfriend. What usually happens is that I like someone, they start to like me and then I just stop. Or I like someone who I have no chance of ever being with.

It's weird and annoying, you know? But it keeps on happening. Someone told me that it's because I only want what I can't have. But I don't think that's it. It stops so suddenly sometimes and other times I gradually start to dislike the person.

But I think I've finally found out what my problem is. The other night when I was talking to my mom she said "I bet you turn these guys down because you think they'll stop you from travelling like you want to."

And I guess that's right. I don't want anything or anyone to stop me from moving countries or from travelling. Although when I start talking to a guy I don't think of it directly. It's not like I think "oh shit I'm not talking to this guy ever again, he might stop me from leaving." I think it's more of a subconscious thing. As long as I don't have to commit to anything or anyone I have nothing keeping me here. If I'm unhappy I'll always want to leave.

If this is how my mind works it really does explain a lot of things.

...and the truth is out.

"The only reason why I will ever come back to Penrith, even just for a visit is Shaun. Because the rest of you aren't really important."

Thanks, brother. I'll remember this next time you move back in and ask for a lift to the pub or for a lift home at 3 in the morning or want to borrow money.

It's cool to find out what your family members REALLY think of you. But sad when what you think they think actually turns out to be true.

My brother moved up the coast today. When did we find out he was moving? Oh just yesterday at 9pm when his girlfriend came over and he started packing clothes into her car. He then told us he was never coming back, except of course for visiting my other brother.

Another fail

I wanted to buy a new DSLR today. So I went to Harvey Norman. I was so nervous driving there because you have to drive through a tunnel to get there and I haven't driven through a tunnel since I was 17 and was on my Learners.

I get there. Choose the camera I want (Nikon D300) and choose the lens. The salesmen tells me that it comes with a carry bag, battery, memory card and warrantee. All up the cost was $3500 - something I can afford, but due to other commitments I asked if I could have the camera and make payments every week on it. I thought this would be good to give myself a credit rating. Since I am now 20 I'll probably be needing one some time in the near future.

So the salesmen puts me on the phone to the guy who does the credit checks and who makes sure I can afford the weekly payments. The man on the phone tells me that the payments will be approximately $50 a week. He had to check how much I earn, which is approximately $200 a week.

He then told me that the contract can go no further because I don't earn enough per week to be able to afford it. What is up with that?! I earn $200 a week...what do I spend it on? Well apart from the $20 I spend on petrol every 3 weeks I spend it on nothing.

It's a little ironic that I have enough money at the moment to buy the camera outright twice and still have money left over but I don't earn enough to spend $50 a week.

It's a little stupid if you ask me. You know there's something wrong with the world when someone who is unemployed, earning $0 a week, and is $20 000+ in debt can successfully apply for a credit card but someone who has been employed by the same company for four years, earns $200+ a week and the only debt they have is uni HECS can't buy a camera at $50 a week.

I'm sorry but I find this completely idiotic. If i didn't need the money in my account to go overseas for a couple months this year/next year I would have just bought the camera. I'd just prefer a little bit of money to leave my account each week than one huge lump.

Work filler

Honestly I hate stupid people. Not only do they not listen to me when I answer their questions but the majority of them like to imply that I, myself, am stupid. They drive me insane.

On Thursday night at work I was placed in laybys and I had to deal with many customers that were very annoying and very stupid. But here's one that really annoyed me (well I was extremely busy, and because of their stupidity I got hardly any work done. Thanks guys).

*phone rings*

Me: Good evening, [store], how can I help you?

Customer: I'd like to be put through to layby.

Me: Yes that's me, how can I help you?

Customer: I had a layby and I want to know if it's still there?

Me: Sure, can I grab the layby number and your surname please?

Customer: [reads layby number and her name out]

Me: Okay, I'm just going to put you on hold so I can check the computer. I won't be a moment.

I put the customer on hold and bring up her account. As it happens the layby has been cancelled and she has already picked up the money.

Me: Hi, I'm sorry but your layby has already been cancelled and you've already picked up the money.

Customer: But is it still there?

Me: No sorry you've already cancelled it.

Customer: But is it still there?

Me: No.

Customer: Can you check out the back?

Me: Sorry it's not there.

Customer: Can you just check then please?

Me: Umm...

Customer: When does it get put back?

Me: As soon as you cancel it.

Customer: Are you sure it's not there?

Me: Yes, the stock may be on the shop floor but I can't tell you for sure if it is or not.

Customer: Can you just check?

Me: I have no way of knowing what you bought.

Customer: Can you check out the back then?

Me: No, sorry.

Customer: Okay, thanks for your help. Bye.

If that wasn't bad enough the lady came in a short time later and told me her surname, which I recognised, and said that her layby was on hold and wanted me to check out the back for it. I asked her if she had the receipt (knowing that she wouldn't) and she said no that she had already cancelled the layby. I then told her again that laybys are put back as soon as they were cancelled and that I wouldn't check out the back.

You tried, you failed. The lesson is never try. Thanks Homer Simpson

Before I used to complain about everything without doing anything about it. Now I complain about everything while doing everything I possibly can to change my situation and just end up where I was before, only now with a lot more stress and a little less self-esteem.

So what is the point in even trying anymore? I've honestly had enough of everything. I can't take this country. I can't take this uni or this course. I can't take this job. I can't take the people I have to deal with. I can't take anything anymore and I can't change a thing.

This feels like when I was younger when I was afraid to talk. When a teacher or someone (anyone) spoke to me I'd be too afraid to say "Sorry I can't talk". I'd be too afraid to get up and leave. I'd be too afraid to even cry. What was I meant to do in that situation? What am I meant to do now?

I remember being in high school when I'd be assigned a speech assignment. The teacher would say "If you have any problems please come and talk to me." My problem was that I couldn't talk. What an ironic situation!

I hate my life and I hate myself for hating it. Why can't I just be happy with what I have just like everyone else? I hate myself for wanting to be like everyone else. Honestly I just hate everything about everything.

I just want something to change. I need something to change. I need to be noticed. But that's even hard to do, what with everyone only being interested in themselves and hating me for reasons I cannot fathom. Even trying to get people to click on a simple link to my Flickr is a huge ask.

I thought about making a vlog, but honestly who'd be interested in what I have to say? Plus I know someone who has one and well she's lame and boring. I don't think I'd be able to survive negative comments. Anyway here's to another year filled with disappointments and unfulfilled dreams.

Let's go to candy mountain.

I bought $30.80 worth of candy today. You're probably thinking "Whoa you went a little bit overboard there, don't you think?" In which case I would have to alert you to a time many years ago.

It was the year of 2007. I was 17, and it was the first time I entered the candy shop. The only reason I woke up and got off my friends couch that day was to convince her to drive the 40 odd minutes to the shop and to buy candy.

That day was a good day for all. "All" meaning just me. I bought $56.70 worth of candy. So I think I can say that this time, I held back. Yes it's horrible, because some may say I've matured. They're wrong though. I've got tonnes of candy and I'm never going to sleep.

Here's To Growing Up.

Today I decided to test the boundaries of my anxiety once again, in the form of shopping in the Penrith shopping mall alone. I do this occasionally because I don't want my anxiety to control my life forever.

I needed to buy some quality art paper and some new paint brushes. But while I was there I decided to do some Christmas shopping. But what do you buy for the people you hardly know? Family member's are the hardest to buy presents for.

I decided to browse the perfume section in Myers since the people in Perfume Empire were making me feel too awkward. Usually it's the employee's in Myers who make me uncomfortable, on account of them always thinking I'm shoplifting. Yes I dress like a punk, okay, that's established, but I do have money and I wouldn't be caught dead stealing from Myers. Like think of the street cred I would lose if that got out?

While I was browsing, one of Myers employees walked up to me and said "Hi, how are you? This is the new perfume called Lola, by Marc Jacobs." She handed me a card, I smelt it and replied "Um, it's...nice." What a complete lie. I thought it had an old lady smell. Then the employee said "So what, are you just looking for your Mom, are you?"

No, lady I'm nineteen years old and very capable of driving to the mall and navigating my way around by myself. Apparently when I go shopping by myself, I look like a lost kid.

I guess I really shouldn't have been crazily spraying all the tester perfumes and giggling like a loser.

Blinksters unite to stop the change.

I recently recieved an email from Club Blink. Club Blink is an alternative nightclub in the city that I occassionally frequent.

The following is from the email:
"Club Blink, Sydney longest running and most successful nightclub in Australia's history, is changing with the times and has gone INDIE!!"

Here's a helpful hint: DON'T CHANGE.

Maybe the success of this club was achieved by how it originally was. Seriously. People go to Blink for the METAL music and the occassional pop punk song. Not shitty indie. If they wanted to listen to shitty indie they'd visit Trash (Trash being Blink only it's on Saturday night's instead of Friday and plays Indie).

Ever since Blink has been implementing these changes (e.g removing the couches for more dance room. Who the hell removes couches for more dance room when there's plenty of room to dance and people actually like sitting on the couches?) I have heard nothing but complaints from people about how much better blink used to be.

Keep making changes Blink and I think you'll lose alot of your patrons.

Graffiti: Stickin' It To The Man.

Who's next on the firing line? Graffiti "artists". I like graffiti, don't get me wrong. I mean, what better way to stick it to the man?

But seriously, if you're choosing graffiti as your means of dismantling the establishment, please be clever about it. I'm so sick of reading dumbass comments like "This is a clean desk"... "I love Johnny". They are lame and so insignificant.

Today at uni I noticed posters hung up on the noticeboards. On one of the posters, the text said "We believe in one less God than you." Someone had then ripped the middle of the poster, drew an arrow pointing at it and wrote "Oops. I ripped your poster. Where's your God now?". Underneath this was more text from the poster that said "Bought to you by the uws atheists."

Dear dumbass graffiti dick,
Atheists don't believe in god!!! They believe there was no god there ready to smite you down. The atheists god didn't punish you because they haven't imagined him into existance like other religions. Do your freaking research or brush up on common sense before you make stupid remarks that don't need to be said.

But on another atheist poster it said "If God created the world, who created God?" Underneath that someone had written "I dunno, some factory in China?" It said something like that. But hah! Classic.

Leggings: Pants?

What the heck is with retard glamour girls wearing leggings as pants?

Today I went to the St Marys shopping village. Upon my arrival I saw three girls getting out of a car. The one with the uggboots (don't even get me started on those) thought it was okay to give me a filthy as she flicked her hair. All three of the girls were wearing leggings.

Seriously it was gross. Those "pants" left nothing to the imagination and removed all traces of desire I could have held for the females. I mean I could see the crease of their buttcheeks for crying out loud. If the material was any thinner I could've told you if they had skiddies.

The legging was originally designed to be an UNDERgarment for MEN. They were marketed this way until the design companies realised that the people buying their product were infact female punks who would buy the leggings and dye them to be worn under skirts.

I for one thing that leggings are a fairly awesome fashion item when worn correctly i.e. under a skirt, dress or shorts. They should not be worn in replacement of pants. Seriously it would feel like you're wearing nothing at all. Maybe they like the breeze?

The way these girls were dressed...like what, am I supposed to think? Seeing everything is attractive? It accentuates your flat ass and matches the color of your eyes? Well all I have to say is "I think you look like a real twat wearing your underwear on the outside when you clearly are NOT a superhero."

Late night msn talks.

12:44am: Anarchy Burger says: Does he understand that life models are naked? I'm pretty sure I just explained that 10 minutes ago...wtf.

12:44am: Pop.Sensation says: Ooh do it!!! Then jump his bones!!!

12:44am: Anarchy Burger says: HAHA He just said "hmmm.. maybe not naked, but you could imagine those parts in, right? LOL I don't remember what the male appendage looks like.

12:45am: Pop.Sensation says: It's fuggo.

12:45am: Anarchy Burger says: "I don't think I have seen enough naked men to correctly imagine that.. so I'll just paint a pineapple instead." Haha I'm a genius.

12:46am: Pop.Sensation says: Haha. Good call.

12:46am: Anarchy Burger says: Yeah.

12:47am: Pop.Sensation says:

12:47am: Anarchy Burger says: LOL EW

12:47am: Pop.Sensation says: I am an artist!!

Memiors Of A Geisha

Well, I feel a little unsatisfied and ripped off upon finally finishing the reading of Memiors Of A Geisha.

I was under the impression that it was a biographical piece. Told from the view of a Japanese lady, Sayuri. But translated/blanks filled in by Arthur Golden.

Looking back through the book, I should of actually paid more attention to who wrote the Translator's note - Jakob Haarhuis. I believed the note and thought that it was a real story. Having said that, I thought it was really weird that this woman, who would have been an old lady at the time she told the story, was able to remember thing's so clearly.

It wasn't until I read the "Acknowledgements" section. A section that I'm sure hardly anyone ever reads. The section begins with "Memiors of a Geisha is a novel and the character of Sayuri and her story are my own inventions." It's safe to say I actually felt decieved.

A couple months ago when I did an autobiographical class at uni. In that class we were learning about the truth in autobiographical texts and it's relation to the reader. Many of the other people in my class were speaking about different stories and how they felt decieved after finding out it wasn't real. The whole time we were studying this I was thinking "How could you feel like that from a book? Gees, get over it."

I now understand what they mean.

Although I do think the story is brilliant. It works in the first person perspective. I don't think it would have been as powerful if it was written in another format. Believe me, I was sucked in. I actually cared what happened to Sayuri, I was really angry at certain characters that made things happen to her, and I was so happy with the ending. That was until I found out it wasn't real.

Lameness

I really wish I actually had something to write about.

Uni holidays are now over. Illustration starts tomorrow at 11am.

God help me.

The End Is Nigh.

Don't you just hate it when your privacy is invaded and then you are the one that is expected to apologize?

Privacy is something that is very important to me. But seems to be something that is continually ignored by a certain someone. I mean I have given this person a second chance. I don't think I can give her another one.

This person read my diary in 2005. I was 15. There wasn't really anything all that personal in it. But what made me really angry was that I had hidden it in my sock draw. While I was in the shower my two friends that were visiting went through my draws, found my diary and read it.

The excuse was that they didn't realise it was a diary because it had lyrics in the front of it (I don't just write entries in my diary, I have lyrics, photos, newspaper clippings, illustrations and whatever I want).

For one, who the hell hides something that they wouldnt mind other people seeing in a sock draw and who gave you permission to go through said draw? Plus this girl was my friend. Why when she realised that it actually was a diary, why did she continue reading? Why didn't she respect my privacy and put it down?

The two girls became offended at the fact I said they were posers. In my private diary where no one else could read it, or so I thought. I don't write things down in a book never to be seen by anyone but myself only to show everyone. I don't bitch about people, but I get angry and upset at people just like everyone else. What did they expect me to do? Actually after reading it they expected me to apologize. It wasn't "I'm really sorry I went though your private draws, found your diary and deliberately read the pages, but I'm hurt by what you wrote". No they were like "How could you write this bullshit?!" Well my bullshit has since proven to be correct. But whatevs.

What happened this time though? While I was drunk this girl went through my bag, found my phone and read through all my messages and my sent messages. She found messages that she thought were defamatory towards herself. Then she sent a message to my other friend that was on the recieving end of these messages. I don't know if she sent messages to anyone else because she erased all the evidence, but she probably forwarded them to herself.

Now these messages were not easily seen. There is like over 600 messages in both my inbox and sent items folder, the two or three messages that she found were about 200 messages down.

This girl believes she has done nothing wrong and expects me to feel bad about it. Seriously, it's just like reading someone's mail or email. You wouldn't do it, well for one reading someone elses mail is illegal and it's just totally disrespectful.

I can't believe someone who calls themself my best friend would do this to me. Like how insecure do you have to be that you'd have to spy on your best friend? I don't think I'll ever be able to trust her again.

I probably seem really callous, but then it doesn't feel like I'm losing a friend. It felt like that last year when we started to grow apart. I believe it was her fault. It's my fault for giving up, but I wouldn't have if she didn't make it seem like she was just using me.

Now I strongly suspect this girl took down the number of my other friend and is now trying to prank call her. The calling started on Sunday morning. If it is her it's so immature. I think it's a pretty big coincidence and it's totally unfair.

The monster that is consumerism

Why is it that when a normal person enters a shop and assumes the role of "consumer" they instantly turn into an asshole?

I was working the other day, the shop I work at is well known for its affordable price. My last-hour was Ladies Fashion. This is the conversation that happened:

Register Three: Attention staff price check Ladies Fashion to register three please.
Me: *I walk up to the counter*.
Register Three: Hey can you see if these pants are 26.99?
Me: Sure, I'll be back in a moment.

Then I walk back to Ladies Fashion, the pants that I were shown were these jeans that had a glittery belt attached. I found them along the wall, where almost all of the jeans are at the moment. Above them is a ticket frame that says the pants were originally 39.99 but now they are 29.99.

I walk further along the wall and then I discover two pairs of the pants I was looking for dumped on a rack that was for these other jeans that have a tan colored belt. The ticket frame on this rack said the pants were originally 35.99 but now they were 26.99. So I move the glittery belt pants to their right place and walk back to the registers.

Me: No sorry, they're 29.99.
Customer: No they're 26.99.
Me: No sorry, the sign says 29.99.
Customer: I don't think so! It said 26.99.
Me: No...
Customer: Don't worry I'll just buy them anyway.

So I went back to Ladies Fashion to continue cleaning. The customer then walked down to where the jeans.

Customer: They've changed the signs around! This sign was there before. This one had different writing, it was smaller.

The printer only has one sized font.

Her daughter tried to make her talk quieter because it was obvious I could hear.

Customer: Excuse me! You've changed the signs around, this one was there.
Me: No I didn't.
Customer: You did! Because these are the pants *points to the pants I moved* my daughter tried on! We put them back here after we went to the fitting rooms. These are the exact pants. You have to give it to me for 26.99.
Me: No I don't. That's not the price for those pants. These pants were not orignally 35.99, they were 39.99. They must have been on the wrong rack.
Customer: You have to give it to me for the right price.
Me: Fine I'll just go get my manager *rolls eyes*.

As it turns out my manager was on the phone. He said he'd be up in a minute. So I walked back to the customer.

Me: Sorry, he's on the phone at the moment, he said he'd be up here shortly.
Customer: LOOK! DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT! IT'S JUST THE PRINC....

I walked off. I really can't stand being yelled at, ever. Especially when I'm right. Like these customers just cannot be told. They're right, you're wrong and there's nothing you can do about it. But seriously, how would lying to her benefit me? There's no need for me to lie or rip anyone off.

I don't even do it unintentionally and infact I've only ever ripped someone off unintentionally once, and then they wouldn't let me fix it by giving them a refund.

First Time Buying Condoms.

Buying condoms - what a confusing task that is nowadays. What with all the different types - studded and ribbed, flavoured, naked, vibrating, glow in the dark...Seriously, the list is endless! Well I'm sure it ends somewhere but in all honesty I just want something that will prevent copulation.

So here I was yesterday, 19 years of age, buying condoms for the first time, standing in the Isle looking at the many different types of condoms. My intent was to buy glow in the dark ones. 'Cause c'mon, any kid from the 90's would just love anything that glows in the dark. If anything, they would provide amusement and detract attention from my failed attempts at being sexy.

But, alas...glow in the dark was the one type of condom Woolworths did not have. So I grabbed a 12 pack of Ansell Lifestyles Assorted, assuming that it would have a variety of condoms - "Don't know what type of condom your lover likes? Great! Take me home and you'll be sure to satisfy them, with my wide and diverse range of happiness." I did get some glow in the dark lube though, that is the bottle glows not the actual lube (so don't shove a whole heap in your mouth trying to make your teeth glow, it doesn't work...I know from experience.)

I walk up the counter. I don't know if everywhere has it now, but I went to this specific Woolworths for it's Selfserve counter. I know how embarrassed I get when I'm just buying tampons or whatever. So I walk up to the counter and place my items down - 12 Pack Ansell Lifestyles Assorted, Four Seasons Glow In The Dark Lube and a bottle of coke. The SelfServe counter assistant then proceeded to stand behind me and watch. I wanted privacy goddammit!!! I can't say I'm surprised though. I mean I have the worst luck in the world. I knew someone would end up noticing, although I was more worried that a person from work would have been there and would have been like "Hi Roads! What choo up to? What ya buying?...Oh...but you don't have a boyfriend...?"

So I finally make it home, thinking I'm a stud and all cool and totally badass. Which I am, of course. I open the packet of condoms and what are they? Assorted flavours!!! Oh yay (sarcasm). I've got Sonic Strawberry, Mint Blitz, Berry Blast and Banana Bender. Yeah that's totally not going to give off the wrong message.

Potential Copyright Infringement.

I was reading Tammys myspace blog and I found this. I thought it fitted in with my life and Jessica. I just deleted all the stuff that didn't really belong. But other than me taking stuff out it is all Tammys words.

You know what gets me?
You all pay more attention to your little fake ass groupie type "friends". You're so fucking egocentric. Caught up in yourself. You're selfish. Self centred. I mean, you don't even talk to me about shit. You share it all with those fakers. Your little groupies, and they don't know you. You choose those webcam whores over me? Your friend? One that would actually stick by you, not one of those preppy fakes. You choose clones and wannabes over your friends. You spend all your time typing away to them. You push everyone away. But as long as there are a bunch of slags running after you, to tell you how "beautiful" you are, you don't care what you're doing to all of your real friends. You probably don't even notice. You're too caught up in yourself. I don't know why I bother with you anymore, I really really really really don't.

It's always about you. How terrible your life is. How the fuck is your life terrible? Fucking, would you get over yourself? You've got it great. Sure, life might not be perfect, but you've got it so much better than most people. Yet, it's always about you, and how your life "sucks", and how you "hate" yourself. You're an attention seeker. An apathetic parasite, I'm not all that sorry to say. All I can suggest is, that you open your eyes and look at the world around you. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, you honestly have nothing to be depressed about. Trust me. I'm sick of this cycle.

My Life Is Mine, Not Yours To Take.

She sniffed after everytime I sniffed in the exam. I will NOT let her become me.

Unrequited Love.

The girl seriously can't think for herself. Right now we have yearly exams at school and we are in grade 11. On the internet every night she asks me if I am going to study. And every night I lie and say No. I'm just testing to see if she will not study just because I'm "not".

And every night she says "Oh yeah me too". Not in those words exactly but similar words to that effect. And then every morning I get to school she's sitting at one of the tables in senior court-yard studying.

And today in between our 2nd english exam and our vet course exam she was studying her Business Services notes and I said "Hey why are you studying if you said you weren't going to study?" and she said "Well there's nothing else to do at the moment".

That's not true there was plenty of other stuff to do.

I think she's just embarrased that she actually has to study. And I don't care that I seem like a hypocrite. She should be able to think for herself and she shouldn't have to hide something like that from me. If I say I'm not studying she doesnt have to say she's not studying, she could be like "oh yeah I'm going to".

And I think she's in love with me. She's always trying to flirt with me and she's always saying that I'm "weird" and thats why she "loves me".